Sleepless

I've begun job hunting.

I didn't expect that, but what I am finding is that I am very interested in focusing on behavior modification. I do have that capability of moving into that eventually, but where I currently work needs people in my position and you have to stay in that position for six months after hiring on. I saw jobs posted in the field that I am interested in, but they require a year with the company.

Do I lock myself into a difficult position for one year? My knee jerk response was to do just that, but I realized this: we spent a lot of money to get me to this point. I'm currently working a job that requires a high school education. Nothing more. It is a low paying job, and staying in this job adds nothing to my resume that is not already there. I've done this kind of work for a great portion of my life in a wide variety of settings.

I am working nights now, and yesterday afternoon I woke up to go to the...well...I woke up. Never you  mind. But when I came back to bed, I tossed and turned, sleepless. I was making a decision. Bob commented a while back that I was doing 'God's work', and I agreed with him. I still do. The small moments when you 'break through to a client', when a nonverbal man stops screaming and looks you square in the eye, or when a man who sits in corner muttering to himself comes over to mutter to you, well, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I feel like I'm making a difference and that is all that I ever thought that I wanted to do.

I found myself torn between doing right by those clients, and doing right by myself. I lay awake feeling selfish and ashamed. If I'm doing God's work, then I should trust that I will wind up doing what I'm meant to be doing. On the same token, why in the world did I spent all that money if I can't bring myself to break away from what I know and use that degree?

I wrestled with that for several hours and came up with this: I will apply. I'll begin looking for jobs that are directly in my field working towards the direction I want to head with this career of mine. I'll see what doors open. I'll make a decision then.

But, man, do I feel guilty.

Behavior modification is what I'm interested in...and think that this creature of habit needs to look at modifying her own.